I am guessing if you read the title, then you know what today is. That's right, it's Mother's Day. All in all, it was a good day. Maddie planned the "perfect Mother's Day." Early in the week, she gave me a list of things that we could do. Her list included: Bike rideing, play time, baseball, jump rope. snacks, games, tea, bracelets, lunch, shopping, going to the park, flower picking, reading, contests, painting, water balloons, snuggling, tennis, jogging, chaulk, and paper airplanes - a full day as you can see.
Given that it was rainy and there are only so many hours in the day, we did as many as we could. I also received some interesting gifts, including a foam purple sun visor. It was definitely a day to make me proud to be a mom.
The last part of the day really reminded me that I am the mom of a grieving child. Most of the time, we go through our daily lives and - though we keep Kevin present and still honor what was - we focus on what is and what will be. There are those moments when I am reminded that the past is still present, particularly for my kid who so misses her dad.
We went to the movies and grab dinner with Mark, Jason and Devon. Maddie had a little bit of a breakdown. The breakdown turned into an hour-long discussion about how much she misses her dad and how angry she is about his death. It seems that Mother's Day for her is just a reminder that Father's Day is coming. It's at this point in life that I have no answers for her. I don't know what it is like to walk in her scuffed and dirty size 1 shoes. I can't fix this for her, which, as a mom, is devastating.
So why am I writing such a gloomy post on what was otherwise a happy Mother's Day? Because I just explained to my kid that sometimes writing down how you feel helps you work through it. I suppose I'm hoping that by writing this I will feel a little less helpless.
P.S. I know some of you have lost parents, particularly at an early age. Any words of advice for me or Maddie on how you made peace with the loss (or if you didn't) would be most appreciated.
P.S.S. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, particularly the first-time moms Erin and Julia. And especially to my own mom - I love you.
3 comments:
Hi Jami. I lost my dad very early. I was 7 when my dad died. I just remember the utter emptiness, which still rears its head at times. She'll deal with this the rest of her life, unfortunately. I created a space where I can go talk to my dad; like a separate room that holds all his pictures. It will be like she's missing a limb, honestly. That's how she'll feel. I will blog more about this, but art always has been an outlet for me, and for me, my art is writing. Creation. Some way of connection. Also, with Kevin's mother just passing, that is going to re-open wounds for Miss M. Not only is her dad gone, but her paternal grandmother is gone, too. So for her, it's very complicated. It reminds me of what I went through as a child - back to back deaths of people to whom I was really close.
OK, one more comment. Sometimes, there are wounds that never heal. They just don't. Losing a father is one of those wounds that never quite heal. Luckily, though, Maddie has a strong mother and a lot of people around her who love her and support her. But you have to work through those moments - those times she'll see other girls with their fathers and she'll just get a pang of pain and she might not quite know what to do or how to deal with it, and she'll think, why me? When what she has to do is train her brain to think, "OK, this is the hand I've been dealt and this is what I've got to play with." (As you can see, I can talk forever about this).
Angie - As always, you are wise and comforting. I am so happy to know you. Thanks for your words. Thanks for going to Kent State so that I had the chance to meet you.
Jami
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