Final Goodbye

In memory of Kathleen Ellen O'Connor -

I've had a lot of time to think about what I wanted to write in regard to Kathie's death. Even with all that time, I'm still not exactly sure what to say. So if this blog is a little incoherent, forgive me. I'm exhausted and still in shock.

First, for those who attended the funeral, you may or may not have heard why Maddie and I were not there. We drove to Colorado for vacation and couldn't get back before the funeral. Long story for another time.

I want to make this perfectly clear - It had nothing to do with the state of my relationship with Kathie the past couple years. Our situation was undeniably complicated. I suppose that's what happens when two stubborn women dig their heels in about something. We spent the last two years playing this ridiculous game of emotional chicken in which everyone lost. I regret that now. Lesson learned.

The truth is that I love Kathie very much. I love her for raising the person who taught me that you can love without fear or doubt. I, and every life I touch, are forever indebted to Kathie for that. I love her for the way she could make every person she talked to feel like he or she was the center of the party. I love her for her loud, obnoxious laughter and open-door policy for all wayward souls. I love her for the predictable contents of her glass and swirl of smoke around her head. I even love her for mean streak that carried with it a biting sense of humor.

When life knocked me to my knees, it was Kathie who crawled on the floor beside me. She held me as I cried my eyes out and mourned for her son. She held my hair as I vomitted up wine and grief, and then she put me to bed. In those first years after Kevin died, I spent most of my life with Kathie. We cried together until we couldn't see anymore. We laughed through tears until our sides ached when life after Kevin became absurd. She was there when what I needed most in the world was a place to heal.

Please don't mistake this for some Pollyanna version of reality. I know full well that Kathie O'Connor wasn't all nurturance with sunshine and roses. There wasn't a lot of wiggle room in a relationship with Kathie. You were either in or you were out (though even when you were out, you could still get back in). Like most of us, she was complicated.

I'm not sure yet that I will ever be able to understand how Kathie shaped my life. All I know is that some part of me came from that hard-drinkin', loud-talkin', balls-to-the-walls woman and I am grateful.

To Kathie, wherever you are - I give. I'm sorry and I forgive you too.