January 16

In just a few short hours, Kevin will have been gone five years.


Five years.


It almost seems impossible, particularly today when the distance between past and present seems so small. So much has changed since Jan. 16, 2003. At times, I barely recognize us. At other times, I barely remember who we were. I suppose that is the blessing and the curse of losing someone you love.


I was thinking today about all that I've learned in the years that have followed his death. Some things seem ridiculous, like learning to start the lawnmower. Others humbled me. So I thought I would share a few with you.


What I learned by Jan. 16, 2004:

1. The world's best motivator has big blue eyes, a gap-toothed grin and sandy-brown freckles on her nose.

2. When everything seems out of control, you still control you.

3. When life feels unliveable, sometimes the best thing to do is to get moving.

4. Sometimes you have to fake it until it you make it.


What I learned by Jan. 16, 2005:

1. The amount of time you spend wallowing in grief is not proportionate to the amount of love you have for the person who died. The way you choose to live your life in the aftermath is.

2. Wallowing in grief can become self indulgent.

3. The fastest way to heal is to give to others.

4. The second year is much harder than the first.



What I learned by Jan. 16, 2006:

1. The smell of snow no longer makes me sick.

2. Life is too short to not live passionately.

3. It's also too short to waste on things that drain your energy.

4. And it's definitely too short to hold back "I love you," "I'm sorry," and "I forgive you."


What I learned by Jan. 16, 2007:

1. The losses that come with the death of a spouse didn't stop on the day he died.

2. You can't force people to be what you want them to be.

3. Moving on doesn't mean I have forgotten.

4. Knowing the answer to "What's the worse that can happen?" let's you live quite fearlessly.


What I learned by Jan. 16, 2008:

1. Stop waiting for what I want and go get it.

2. His death isn't the end of our lives.

3. You can love despite a having had a broken heart.

4. When all else fails, go for a run.


Someone once said to me that Kevin's death, like all things, happened for a reason. I don't think I believe that there's some grand plan that shaped the course of our lives. What I do believe is that we give meaning to the loss by the choices we make. It is my greatest hope that the choices I've made honor his memory.